organised chaos
i have a confesion to make: %%purple%%i prentend to be organised than i really am%%. i have myself some pretty simple organisational tools for daily life, digital life, and work; yet, i always find it hard to actually use them. even after gameifying things for myself.
it isn't about %%yellow%%motivation%% or even %%orange%%practicality%%. my systems are practical and easy to use. it is really more about %%green%%habit%%, or %%red%%lack thereof%%. for most of my life i have just let my dyslexic and adhd brain guide me nearly blindly through each day, week, month, or year. i have always told myself:
i ain't disorganised, this is organised chaos!
well, one word is right in that sentiment: %%red%%chaos%%. but there is %%blue%%no real organisation going on%%. i start checklists, but never even complete them to start checking items off. i write in my journal so sporadically it can take years to get any semblance of a life lived. i plot my workdays and schedules into my zettelkasten neovim system, copy and paste them into a shared slack canvas for my team, but none of us ever look at it again anyway.
even when i use the tools and systems i have built for myself, i wonder %%cyan%%are they even effective for me?%% %%yellow%%or am i just trying to look organised?%%
this year, i have probably been the most dramatic change in my habits. i am getting better at using my tools and systems. but for some reason, %%red%%i keep feeling imposter syndrome%%. maybe organised me isn't really me? %%purple%%maybe i should just accept the chaos%%. or do i keep this struggle against myself well and alive? %%green%%i think i will struggle to build and keep these habits healthy%%. but it is tough!